June 18, 2012 § Leave a comment
It’s been more than a while since I’ve written. I’ve honestly haven’t found the words to describe or maybe at times try and forget to how much it happens because I know of what it all looks like and how often I see peoples expectations to having a different mind set from all that’s been produced from everything. I try my best to manage and there will always be struggles, but the results never seem like enough even if it’s all I’ve got. A lot of times I think we have to just go through the things that are happening and let them play out wether it’s the best or the worst. Deal with the emotions that come letting some of them die out because of how much of a hinderance it can be. Sometimes through those seasons there aren’t just rays of sun shines filled with lolly pops or cotton candied ideas. Hence why I’ve strayed away from blogging. I didn’t know how to process everything. I honestly still don’t but I thought I would give a shot at writing.
I find myself thinking about purpose often. What is the point to why I am still here? Having been struggling with health problems and afflictions for what seems like a life time. What is the purpose of it all? I’ve watched so many things change in myself. Through perspective, attitude, friendships, relationships. What is suppose to become of all of this? I think of the words I heard when I was a young christian in how the Father does everything for a purpose. Though we are unfaithful, He is still faithful. How much I find myself trying to understand that when I know that it is far beyond myself to even understand. How difficult it becomes to let go of trying to think and figure things out almost an attempt to try and come to a conclusion to develop a purpose out of your own ideas. Creates a destructive path ahead of ourselves to try and make something of yourself when it was a life given up. Theres so many reasons why He asks us not to lean on our own understand. The difficulty in dying to yourself in that moment to only endure what is in front of you. I’m not sure how to do so anymore.
I know more of each day that it happens, that not only the changes you have to live with effect you but those in your life. How much I try and make the differences in that happening. But it seems like I can’t stop that anymore. It’s hard for me to see and accept to how much it effects the people in my life. Trying to take them to lunch to places even if I can’t eat it. At the same time knowing that within only a few hours I become ill once again having to figure out a way to manage the intolerance my body has created. I can never get too far without that happening. How am I suppose to do this anymore… I don’t know what else to do. It becomes harder to be around the people in my life knowing they can’t understand, finding myself trying to explain what is going on in different ways in hopes they maybe they do at times. At that point it’s easy to push them out because your not sure how to be anymore because of difference there is in trying to live to what seems casual. When it hasn’t been that way for years. Yet I know there’s still a lot for me to learn in how to relive, and walk all over again in this way. Trying to fight the consumption of what it can develop in set ways. At this point, I’m lost in what to do.
Even as I look around at my surroundings as I type, being in a house I once lived in for a season of my life that became a bad memory. Those that had been intrusive to what seem like such an important matter to me now dwell within this very same house. Having moved from one bad situation from one city to what seems like another trying to get through the summer to what maybe has another season of college. A lot of times I feel like a stranger even here to those I’m suppose to walk with for eternity. I think about the storage unit filled with my belongings that I’m not sure if I’ll ever have a house to put it into. Can’t remember a time where I felt like I could find a place to lay my head down and call it rest. That I could call home.
All I know that there has to be a purpose for the allowance of what has become of my life now from what I’ve known before. As much as I get lost in everything I go through, God has to be doing something with all of this. If that wasn’t the case, then why am I still here.
September 11, 2011 § Leave a comment
There’s a hesitation in writing these blogs. I’ve already acknowledged I have several health problems.. some sort of illness that prevents me from a lot of things. Even as I write now, is a struggle within itself. But it’s something I live with through each and every day. So the last thing I want through my blogging is some sort of venting process. Makes it even harder knowing that the people I care about most are keeping up in reading this with genuine care and concerns. At the same time I’m writing with the honesty in what I go through. A lot of being in pain that creates dark things causing damage mentally, physically, spiritually, etc. I have to remind myself that I started these blogs to make an environment that is liberating, being realistic. Even if that means through the times I write I’m not being honest with myself only to soon realize how selfish I was and learn from that mistake. I needed to recognize that as often as I would like to write everyday, there isn’t always going to be some revelation or self realization. That some days I’m going to be too sick to even gather a sentence together let alone write. It’s too often I hold back or let go of a lot of things because of all this junk that I go through. I have the same response to my art as I do to my music, photography and now writing. I have to accept the fact that it wont be as it once was. Without taking a step after another in those passions I would of never known how much of a passion it was begin with. Sometimes we just need to start over, and I’m sure for these things that may be the case. Am I willing to fight for it. More importantly for the truth. It seems like every time I fall down it’s harder to get back up. At this point it feels like my arms and legs are too weak to do so, being covered in dust.
September 9, 2011 § Leave a comment
It’s a moment by moment battle not trying to be consumed by the pain and struggles of these health problems. I start seeing how everything starts being surrounded by it. At the same time its the one thing that I deal with being influenced by more than anything else only to watch it get worse. Before I get to the end of the night it hits me like a wrecking ball through an old building. It’s another typical thursday night, get together with friends enjoying their company with fellowship followed by a sermon. But the fear of all the possibilities hits about how much worse the neurological problems are developing along with other issues eating away at me as I enter the door. Sitting there, listening to a story filled with humor to break the ice to whats to follow, already I’m disconnected from it knowing I can’t find my attention to focus. I left to try and clear my mind of the fear and speculations to what could happen. Thoughts that draw me to this zone where sounds are faint and colors are dim. I find myself then later across the street where I once was crossing back over almost stepping into the street where an ambulance followed by a fire truck were passing in a hurry. Hearing the sirens echo in my mind. And in that moment I realized that out of all the times I’ve spent in hospitals and ambulances… one day it will pick me up for the last time. Or a car dressed in all black with complete silence. It was another sobering realization to how numbered my days really are. Reflecting on how much of a fight its been through everything I’ve gone through in my life only to have felt like I’ve failed in so many areas. A weight I couldn’t shake. At the same time, feeling something thats always burned inside the depths of my heart. To fulfill the life that God has given to follow according to the purpose He has called me to. Is He calling me to bible college? At this moment in my life after news and events that’s happened I don’t know what to do. Like the moment being in a car collision only to be stuck in that daze without the realization that you’ve been hit. In that step I guess there’s only one way to find out. There needs to be reckless abandonment.
September 8, 2011 § Leave a comment
It’s sometimes the hardest thing in getting started, especially with an illness that affect your mind in processing and articulating thoughts in trying to get back into writing. It’s easy to wonder about those who may come across what you write and the thoughts that may occur. Even though I know it’s never been about that. I just wanted to create and environment, an outlet to where I can be completely honest with myself regardless to what I may think I know or how my logic is affected by emotion especially pride. At the end of the day it comes down to a choice to stand outside of one’s self to realize the truth, which for me has to be measured by the truth of God. Without an absolute truth how can anything be measured at all. The night is darkest just before the dawn. The coldest part of the day. I guess I relate to that the most with the wrestle of insomnia and the health problems that keep me reminded how unforgiving my flesh can be. But wether it’s for years more, or to my last breath. The dawn will come. “Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” 2Cor 4:16-18. Here’s to the first post of many to come. A journey still being written.