June 18, 2012 § Leave a comment
It’s been more than a while since I’ve written. I’ve honestly haven’t found the words to describe or maybe at times try and forget to how much it happens because I know of what it all looks like and how often I see peoples expectations to having a different mind set from all that’s been produced from everything. I try my best to manage and there will always be struggles, but the results never seem like enough even if it’s all I’ve got. A lot of times I think we have to just go through the things that are happening and let them play out wether it’s the best or the worst. Deal with the emotions that come letting some of them die out because of how much of a hinderance it can be. Sometimes through those seasons there aren’t just rays of sun shines filled with lolly pops or cotton candied ideas. Hence why I’ve strayed away from blogging. I didn’t know how to process everything. I honestly still don’t but I thought I would give a shot at writing.
I find myself thinking about purpose often. What is the point to why I am still here? Having been struggling with health problems and afflictions for what seems like a life time. What is the purpose of it all? I’ve watched so many things change in myself. Through perspective, attitude, friendships, relationships. What is suppose to become of all of this? I think of the words I heard when I was a young christian in how the Father does everything for a purpose. Though we are unfaithful, He is still faithful. How much I find myself trying to understand that when I know that it is far beyond myself to even understand. How difficult it becomes to let go of trying to think and figure things out almost an attempt to try and come to a conclusion to develop a purpose out of your own ideas. Creates a destructive path ahead of ourselves to try and make something of yourself when it was a life given up. Theres so many reasons why He asks us not to lean on our own understand. The difficulty in dying to yourself in that moment to only endure what is in front of you. I’m not sure how to do so anymore.
I know more of each day that it happens, that not only the changes you have to live with effect you but those in your life. How much I try and make the differences in that happening. But it seems like I can’t stop that anymore. It’s hard for me to see and accept to how much it effects the people in my life. Trying to take them to lunch to places even if I can’t eat it. At the same time knowing that within only a few hours I become ill once again having to figure out a way to manage the intolerance my body has created. I can never get too far without that happening. How am I suppose to do this anymore… I don’t know what else to do. It becomes harder to be around the people in my life knowing they can’t understand, finding myself trying to explain what is going on in different ways in hopes they maybe they do at times. At that point it’s easy to push them out because your not sure how to be anymore because of difference there is in trying to live to what seems casual. When it hasn’t been that way for years. Yet I know there’s still a lot for me to learn in how to relive, and walk all over again in this way. Trying to fight the consumption of what it can develop in set ways. At this point, I’m lost in what to do.
Even as I look around at my surroundings as I type, being in a house I once lived in for a season of my life that became a bad memory. Those that had been intrusive to what seem like such an important matter to me now dwell within this very same house. Having moved from one bad situation from one city to what seems like another trying to get through the summer to what maybe has another season of college. A lot of times I feel like a stranger even here to those I’m suppose to walk with for eternity. I think about the storage unit filled with my belongings that I’m not sure if I’ll ever have a house to put it into. Can’t remember a time where I felt like I could find a place to lay my head down and call it rest. That I could call home.
All I know that there has to be a purpose for the allowance of what has become of my life now from what I’ve known before. As much as I get lost in everything I go through, God has to be doing something with all of this. If that wasn’t the case, then why am I still here.