Listening To Sirens

September 9, 2011 § Leave a comment

It’s a moment by moment battle not trying to be consumed by the pain and struggles of these health problems. I start seeing how everything starts being surrounded by it. At the same time its the one thing that I deal with being influenced by more than anything else only to watch it get worse. Before I get to the end of the night it hits me like a wrecking ball through an old building. It’s another typical thursday night, get together with friends enjoying their company with fellowship followed by a sermon. But the fear of all the possibilities hits about how much worse the neurological problems are developing along with other issues eating away at me as I enter the door. Sitting there, listening to a story filled with humor to break the ice to whats to follow, already I’m disconnected from it knowing I can’t find my attention to focus. I left to try and clear my mind of the fear and speculations to what could happen. Thoughts that draw me to this zone where sounds are faint and colors are dim. I find myself then later across the street where I once was crossing back over almost stepping into the street where an ambulance  followed by a fire truck were passing in a hurry. Hearing the sirens echo in my mind. And in that moment I realized that out of all the times I’ve spent in hospitals and ambulances… one day it will pick me up for the last time. Or a car dressed in all black with complete silence. It was another sobering realization to how numbered my days really are. Reflecting on how much of a fight its been through everything I’ve gone through in my life only to have felt like I’ve failed in so many areas. A weight I couldn’t shake. At the same time, feeling something thats always burned inside the depths of my heart. To fulfill the life that God has given to follow according to the purpose He has called me to. Is He calling me to bible college? At this moment in my life after news and events that’s happened I don’t know what to do. Like the moment being in a car collision only to be stuck in that daze without the realization that you’ve been hit. In that step I guess there’s only one way to find out. There needs to be reckless abandonment.

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