September 11, 2011 § Leave a comment
There’s a hesitation in writing these blogs. I’ve already acknowledged I have several health problems.. some sort of illness that prevents me from a lot of things. Even as I write now, is a struggle within itself. But it’s something I live with through each and every day. So the last thing I want through my blogging is some sort of venting process. Makes it even harder knowing that the people I care about most are keeping up in reading this with genuine care and concerns. At the same time I’m writing with the honesty in what I go through. A lot of being in pain that creates dark things causing damage mentally, physically, spiritually, etc. I have to remind myself that I started these blogs to make an environment that is liberating, being realistic. Even if that means through the times I write I’m not being honest with myself only to soon realize how selfish I was and learn from that mistake. I needed to recognize that as often as I would like to write everyday, there isn’t always going to be some revelation or self realization. That some days I’m going to be too sick to even gather a sentence together let alone write. It’s too often I hold back or let go of a lot of things because of all this junk that I go through. I have the same response to my art as I do to my music, photography and now writing. I have to accept the fact that it wont be as it once was. Without taking a step after another in those passions I would of never known how much of a passion it was begin with. Sometimes we just need to start over, and I’m sure for these things that may be the case. Am I willing to fight for it. More importantly for the truth. It seems like every time I fall down it’s harder to get back up. At this point it feels like my arms and legs are too weak to do so, being covered in dust.
September 9, 2011 § Leave a comment
It’s a moment by moment battle not trying to be consumed by the pain and struggles of these health problems. I start seeing how everything starts being surrounded by it. At the same time its the one thing that I deal with being influenced by more than anything else only to watch it get worse. Before I get to the end of the night it hits me like a wrecking ball through an old building. It’s another typical thursday night, get together with friends enjoying their company with fellowship followed by a sermon. But the fear of all the possibilities hits about how much worse the neurological problems are developing along with other issues eating away at me as I enter the door. Sitting there, listening to a story filled with humor to break the ice to whats to follow, already I’m disconnected from it knowing I can’t find my attention to focus. I left to try and clear my mind of the fear and speculations to what could happen. Thoughts that draw me to this zone where sounds are faint and colors are dim. I find myself then later across the street where I once was crossing back over almost stepping into the street where an ambulance followed by a fire truck were passing in a hurry. Hearing the sirens echo in my mind. And in that moment I realized that out of all the times I’ve spent in hospitals and ambulances… one day it will pick me up for the last time. Or a car dressed in all black with complete silence. It was another sobering realization to how numbered my days really are. Reflecting on how much of a fight its been through everything I’ve gone through in my life only to have felt like I’ve failed in so many areas. A weight I couldn’t shake. At the same time, feeling something thats always burned inside the depths of my heart. To fulfill the life that God has given to follow according to the purpose He has called me to. Is He calling me to bible college? At this moment in my life after news and events that’s happened I don’t know what to do. Like the moment being in a car collision only to be stuck in that daze without the realization that you’ve been hit. In that step I guess there’s only one way to find out. There needs to be reckless abandonment.
September 8, 2011 § Leave a comment
It’s sometimes the hardest thing in getting started, especially with an illness that affect your mind in processing and articulating thoughts in trying to get back into writing. It’s easy to wonder about those who may come across what you write and the thoughts that may occur. Even though I know it’s never been about that. I just wanted to create and environment, an outlet to where I can be completely honest with myself regardless to what I may think I know or how my logic is affected by emotion especially pride. At the end of the day it comes down to a choice to stand outside of one’s self to realize the truth, which for me has to be measured by the truth of God. Without an absolute truth how can anything be measured at all. The night is darkest just before the dawn. The coldest part of the day. I guess I relate to that the most with the wrestle of insomnia and the health problems that keep me reminded how unforgiving my flesh can be. But wether it’s for years more, or to my last breath. The dawn will come. “Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” 2Cor 4:16-18. Here’s to the first post of many to come. A journey still being written.